A letter to God.

Dear God,

      I thought of writing this letter to you because talking to you every day and getting no answers was a bit frustrating so i thought why not write a letter to you, I use to see it in movies that people talk to you and you reply, their wishes always came true, I mean their stories always had a happy ending but i sometimes sit and wonder will my story also have a happy ending like all others? Because the way it is going it's hard even to imagine a happy me. What have I done, why don't you ever talk to me? I always have trusted you and will always do. You will always be my bestest buddy but I sometimes feel that you don't even know who I am. Does this mean I just speak to no one every night?

       I have learned to live life this ways, it's not that I don't feel like smiling or I don't want to be with friends but I am tired of pretending, I always smile when someone’s around but inside this hollowness kills me. It's consuming me every day. I guess I need you. I am glad I'll soon come close to you. The only reason why I am happy that I’ll be dead soon, otherwise I love my life, I always wanted to live it up, But I know destiny is the key word, it’s not a complaint letter, through this letter I just want to tell you how I feel at times. It’s hard to force a smile when everybody around you, gets tears in their eyes when they see you. I always loved making people smile but sometimes I wonder how life changes, you don’t even come to know it all happens so smoothly. It’s not a great feeling to lay down on this hospital bed and write you this letter, how I wish things would have never changed, my life was so beautiful!!

    You know what? Sometimes I sit in that corner in this room and pray to you, I don’t really know whether you listen or not so thought I’ll mention it in here too. It pains..sometimes my head is in so much pain that I feel why don’t I die this very moment and end it all up..the pain exceeds to the extent of almost killing me. I feel so helpless, suddenly I feel the voices around me drown, I feel like a fish which has been deprived of water for some time. I can only see faint images of people panicking when I get that attack but in that moment I feel very close to you. I can feel you holding my hand. Thanks. I know it’s you who does that, I don’t say that the pain reduces after that but I feel someone’s there and it gives me the confidence to fight the pain.

   Mom and Dad try to be happy in front of me but I see that helplessness in their eyes, I can feel it. Their hands shiver when they touch me. Seeing a daughter die is not an easy job I am sure. They also must be going through a tough time. That’s why I tend to pretend when I am with them, maybe they know I am faking but if I tell them how much it hurts I won’t be able to see that helplessness turn into complete despair. I love them after all. They have tried their best to save me but the doctors say doing any further treatment is a waste of time and money. I have always been a spendthrift but in this case I myself refused to take any further treatment. I somehow know I am going to die. My sister doesn’t really react much..but I know she understands what I am going through. She doesn’t even fight with me these days..I miss it..that day I requested her to fight with me..but I guess we both failed to do so. She has her life, she tries to visit me daily, but then I can’t expect her to come and talk to me after every minute, I wish she could. That day I asked her that you must be very happy that I am going to die you will get to wear all my jeans and shirts that I never allowed you to wear, my i-pod will be yours, the room will be yours, we both cried after this. I was just kidding but I guess at this point of time in my life no one expects me to crack jokes. It’s okay. I have been deprived of all the things I loved anyways.

    Friends,hmmm...I guess they’ll all be fine. I know they will miss me. I guess I did hold some importance in their lives. My commentary during a movie, Mc. swirl and t-shirt requests, Photo sessions, My “talks”, Getting drenched together, laughs, smiles, chats. I guess I was important. I can add more stuff to this list at least for my satisfaction, that I did leave a mark.

They try to make me laugh with their ever ready PJ’s, they visit me almost every week, I don’t even expect them to come every day after all I have left school, they still have to go, do the home work, study for tests, bunk classes, drink water from the water cooler, bunk classes by sleeping in the infirmary, listen to the lectures, enjoy, they are going to live, I can’t expect them to forget their lives and come and sit near me and talk to me. I can’t expect them to do so but I wish they did. I sometimes feel a bit too lonely. Have never felt this way before, I always was surrounded with people .Always happy, always smiling..It’s hard to see myself this way. The other day all my friends (even the unexpected ones) had come to see me over here, everyone looked happy or at least they pretended to when suddenly I got this severe headache and fainted. I could see blurred images of the smiling faces lose their color and turn pale. I never saw them so serious. I felt bad, I ruined their mood. When I woke up no one was there except my close friends, don’t know why they were so silent, had never seen them like this before. I suddenly smiled and said...what’s up yaa? tears fell from their eyes as if they had been controlling them from quiet some time. I don’t know why I felt guilty that day.

    My jaws ache when I smile. And I even hate looking at the mirror,  those dark circles below my eyes make me look so ugly. They had to carry out another of those useless operations so they removed my hair, the growth has started again but I feel disgusted at times. People used to love my hair, even I did, but today life seems to play this pathetic game with me all the time. My eyes have started bulging out, they have started losing their shine. I miss all those compliments, sometimes I wish that someone passes just a fake compliment, maybe I smile. It’s not easy, not at all..I wish I could also look beautiful. I have started looking lean, I don’t like it. My face skin almost hangs now. I sometimes feel that if I get alright will I always remain like this? No, please don’t do that to me. But I am really helpless, I just can’t do anything. I mean absolutely nothing. I just lie down on this bed and wait for my destined end to come. I said “wait” and not “wish” just because I still don’t have a desire to die, I wish I could live it, live my life. I don’t want to cry while writing this letter because if a tear falls on this ink, it will spoil it and my hands are too weak to write it all over again. You know what? I even miss music. My doctor said that if I listen to music I will die even more early. I know he is right because it hurts pathetically when I listen to music. I can’t bear the pain but my love for music seems to fade away now. I still sometimes feel that fire inside to listen to music, I remember how my pain vanished when I listened to music earlier but what can I do if this same music causes pain now? It’s hard for me to imagine that the thing that gave me peace some time ago can become a reason for me dying soon. I finally gave it up completely that day when mom almost prayed to me to give it up. I smiled with tears in my eyes and said I will never listen to it again. I still sometimes call up my friend and say I wish you could update my i-pod still, she doesn’t reply.  what can she say? Everyone is helpless.

    There was a basketball tournament in school that day. Everyone took part. I know I am not that good at the game but still this time I felt like I could make my team win. I felt that this time my lay-up would be perfect. I don’t know why but I felt that I had the energy to play all the four quarters, I don’t know why but this time I felt like the game was mine. But it is okay, I dint play it. I require a wheel chair to move around this hospital I don’t know what will happen if I start playing.

Euro 2008 was on. I have a small television set in my room but too much strain causes headache so I have been advised not to watch it for more than half an hour so whenever I started watching the match I used to watch it properly till the first quarter but in the second quarter it became almost impossible to even open my eyes. I never came to know who won. But there were people who kept me informed.

When I used to play golf, I always said to myself, I will play this game even when I am 80 years old but look how destiny rules. It changed everything. From my dreams to my life. Everything. Nothing’s the same. Everything has changed.

    I never asked myself questions like, why me? What wrong had I done? I was always good with everyone then why did death choose me? I never do. I accept everything happily. But it’s sometimes hard to believe that every thing’s going to end.

        Sometimes I want to get back home and check my orkut scraps, check the facebook comments, look at my offliners, but just the thought is so futile. I live each day killing my desires, my wants, my wishes, my dreams, there was so much I wanted to do but I guess you didn’t want me to do that. You love me and that’s why you want me to be near you. I don’t blame you, I can never hate you, if you gave me this life you have the full right to take it away from me. I miss my orkut pals. There were so many people who I could talk to only via net. I am not sure if they remember me or not. But maybe someone might have scraped me. Most of them don’t even know I am about to die. I miss it. I want to change my profile picture. I want to change my display name. But how?

I don’t know what impact I have made on their lives but they made a deep impact on my life. I wish I could tell them that I miss them.

    I even miss tandoori chicken and butter chicken. The doctor said you are not supposed to have all this or else the problem will increase. Mom gets home make food everyday but now I am forced to eat all the things I didn’t even look at a time. I wish I could go out and have some non-vegetarian food. But I guess I am a bit too hopeless when it comes to my desires. They seem unreal to me.

   These things used to be my life once computer, music, dance, sports, school, outings, good food and look how I have been deprived of everything. I never desired this kind of an end. I thought I would die for my country but sometimes it’s not in your hands. The process of dying is so painful, I don’t really know what it’s going to be like when I finally die. I request, please don’t make it very painful. Please. Let me live the last hour in peace. Is it too much I am asking for? Tell me if it is so, I will take back my request. If it pains too much I’ll try to be happy by thinking that it’s for the last time, but this pain again and again. I can’t take it.

     I miss the sunset, the sunrise, the moon, the stars, everything. I miss dancing with them. I miss talking to the moon, sometimes I do look outside this window but it aren’t much of a help, the view is never clear. I miss clicking pictures of dawn and dusk, wish I could do that. I had asked for a good camera. Thank you I dint get it, it would have been money wastage, nobody would have used it after me. I wish I could dance in the rain, listen to its sound. There are so many things I just want to do but can never do. I miss my terrace, I miss singing over there. I don’t even know about the latest songs. It’s hard to believe things have changed so drastically, what’s left in this life?

I even miss writing in my diary. I have it lying on my bedside over here but I don’t write much now. I can’t imagine things anymore, I am not able to play with my thoughts now and my hands pain a lot when I write too much. I have become too weak. But this letter was essential.

      You might find it strange but these days I even feel like studying, I feel that this much knowledge is not sufficient to die with. I want to learn more, I want to go to school, I want to run on the field.

That psychology book was so thick I used to hate looking at it also but today I want to study it, I want to know what’s inside it. I want somebody to come and teach me history. That day I felt like writing hindi, I used to always hate it but that day I wanted to write it, I felt that desire to write it so what if it was for the last time? I miss everything so much. My life was actually a beautiful one.

     I always thought I will do this later, I have so much time for it, I will talk to this person tomorrow, express my feelings some other time, get drenched when it rains the next time, read this novel when I am more free. There were times when my mood was off. I used to just sit in my room and fall in love with my solitude. That time I felt like doing nothing. Nothing amused me, nothing amazed me. I could be rude to my friends and family but I had forgotten that my life is pre-written, it has already been inked. Who knew I would never get a second chance? I had so many plans that day when I got my first attack but all plans were cancelled. I felt so bad that day that I couldn’t go out for a movie just because of a stupid headache but who knew that that was my last chance of going out? I still sometimes feel that someone will pinch me and I will get up from my sleep and this nightmare will be lost but no one seems to wake me up, this seems to be the reality.

    Had planned so much for my life, will study law, will complete my guitar course, will master basketball, will do bunjee jumping, will learn how to drive, I had so many questions in me, always wanted to find the answers but never tried to, thought I had so much time but life had something else in store for me. It’s all going to end. There will be no me after some time.

     I love you God. I always will, can’t you make some changes now? I want to live my life, I beg? I know it’s not possible. It’s okay! I can understand. If you ask me one last wish I would be able to say nothing because my desires at this time are endless, I could only ask for my life. I want to do so much, but can do nothing. I feel that I have wasted some precious time of my life which I could have utilized but this thought is so futile, so useless, so pointless. I can’t even get half a second of the life I have lived earlier. And see I finally have tears in my eyes, I won’t let them fall on his letter. I want you to read every word clearly. I hope you are sending me to heaven. I am sure hell is not my place but that’s your decision. I hope it’s good up there. I know it will not be like home but I hope it’s something close. I hope I get the same love, I got down below, somehow I feel I never valued it that much. I always wanted to break free, to run away, to stay alone, I was so wrong, so very wrong. I am sorry if I have done anything that I was not supposed to do. I’ll miss everyone and everything here on earth but the thing I’ll miss the most will be “my life.”

     Thanks for everything buddy. I hope you receive this letter soon, at least before I reach you. Where should I post it? I will keep it under my pillow. Take it whenever you are free. Thanks.

                           Your friend,

                                          Kopal. ( you’ll see me soon)

Think about this for a moment people. We human beings never tend to cherish the best gift of God. Why is it that we never are satisfied with our life? Why is it that we tend to hide our sorrows and our happiness? Why don’t we share it? Why is it that we don’t express what we feel, we always wait for the right time, the time is now. What if there is no tomorrow in store for you? Why is it that we love the person but we never show it, why is it that we never bother to look at the beautiful things around us? The sun, the moon, the stars, the trees, the rain? Why have we hidden the real us in a box? Why don’t we let out our feelings? Why don’t we say exactly what we want to/ Why do we leave everything on tomorrow? Why are we so sure that there is a tomorrow for us? Why do we waste our time fighting over useless things? Why do we smoke? Why do we drink? when we know it’s killing us...you might say we smoke because that’s how we think our lives become beautiful but think about this for a moment..think...people think....the thought of dying might amuse you at the moment...but when you hit it...it’s only then that you realize how beautiful your life was...it’s then that you wish you never had smoked...maybe you could have lived some more years...some more days...few more minutes...why is it that we never realize the value of a thing in our life till it finally goes away from us...or is in the process of going away.

      People value what you have...don’t cry over what you don’t have...live it up people...you live once...so be happy that you are still living rather than cursing your life and God for the imperfections in your life.

 

“Happiness does not mean everything’s perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Be happy people. Take care and live it up!!!

Cheers.