That day her silence spoke more than she could have.My vision got blurred because of the salty layer of water which almost filled my eyes..waiting to roll down my cheeks as i waited for her to speak.I held her cold palm as she looked eagerly into my eyes as if she wanted to hear something..but the thoughts inside my heart failed to surface as words that day.I dint know what to say for the first time in my entire life..for the first time i could hear silence speak.
It was around 5:30 in the evening..the moon somehow was waiting for the sun to set that day..the sun desperate to stay and shine but the laws of nature forcing it to go against its will.The sky was almost beautiful..it had almost all the colours one could imagine but there was something depressing about the sky that day.It seemed doomed somehow.The birds chirping in loud..rather annoying voices from distant places as if crying over some beloveds unexpected death or frustrated after all days tireless efforts and yet getting nothing to eat.We could hear the evening prayers offered by the muslims in the far away mosque.The voices were melodious yet painful..the wordings appeared meaningful but could hardly be comprehended.The sounds seemed to fade away slowly.The breeze was pleasant..it gave me a feeling as if it wants the world to sleep today..it was intoxicating..but there was something that kept me wide awake..or rather lamently astonished.I had just heard something which i would have never wanted to hear at least from the person i heard it from.
Hey guys , I need your suggestions to complete this story. :)
What could she have said ? :)
I would be really thankful if you post your suggestions as comments. :)
Thankyou. :)
PS:I have thought of a couple of things but I really want something different. :)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
!
The fog almost filled the air but it wasn’t enough to blur her vision as she saw the train leaving.
It wasn’t a goodbye, they had never been together
But don’t know why today she felt a heart break.
The sound of the whistle was clear and it woke her up from cold nostalgia.
Not that she didn’t want to run behind the train, which seemed to be moving faster than usual but this that she knew love was not in her destiny.
Then she weeped. Struggling to cry out the part of him in her but she knew she would fail. There was too much to let go and she wanted to hold on.
Her heart knew it could not love again ;
And it isn’t easy to convince a heart, farewell has always been the hardest part.
She carried herself back home only to find everything was the same.
Life is like this – It is always your own pain.
She walked across the living room; her mother’s voice seemed like a soft lullaby slowly putting her life to sleep.
She opened the door to her room, it brought back the memories..memories of someone who she had always loved and of someone now gone.
Photographs tell us a story – A story which we once lived but her story could not be cherished; Even the footsteps seemed to fade away.
Letters she had none – her mother had burned them when she read them. Yes, she had lost a lot.
He told her he didn’t love her last night. He kept it as simple as that and she made herself believe it wasn’t easy for him not knowing things will never be the same again.
She felt numb, No – she felt nothing.
She didn’t have tears in her eyes, she was crying out her heart now.
Suddenly life had no meaning.
She had lost her father when she was thirteen and today she lost the second man she had ever loved.
Her mother had always been there for her but she lost her trust – and she lost it all there.
If she had something left in her – it was the faith she had.
God loves all. She tried hard to talk to the idol on her bedside but hearing no voice again she knew she was make-believing.
She decided to live.
Not living for a reason but living to find that reason.
She went to school every day. Her friends seemed to care.
She never had many though-there were only a few she loved.
They wanted their friend back but she was long gone.
They gave up on her soon, she knew they wouldn’t understand.
A heart breaks too silently for the world to hear and then it has always been the tears which say it all?
No, she didn’t cry at nights. They were just long, long December nights.
She sat on the bench near the riverside and went into deep thoughts; she never knew what were they about or how long did they last.
Her heart missed him but she didn’t. She told herself that she was strong. She knew time could heal but quite some time had passed.
One night it rained heavily. She walked on the street unaware of the cold – unaware of the car that finally made her feel some pain.
The red from her heart finally oozed out as blood and mixed with the rain.
Her phone lay on the street ringing and we saw his name flashing and then silently fading.
It wasn’t a goodbye, they had never been together
But don’t know why today she felt a heart break.
The sound of the whistle was clear and it woke her up from cold nostalgia.
Not that she didn’t want to run behind the train, which seemed to be moving faster than usual but this that she knew love was not in her destiny.
Then she weeped. Struggling to cry out the part of him in her but she knew she would fail. There was too much to let go and she wanted to hold on.
Her heart knew it could not love again ;
And it isn’t easy to convince a heart, farewell has always been the hardest part.
She carried herself back home only to find everything was the same.
Life is like this – It is always your own pain.
She walked across the living room; her mother’s voice seemed like a soft lullaby slowly putting her life to sleep.
She opened the door to her room, it brought back the memories..memories of someone who she had always loved and of someone now gone.
Photographs tell us a story – A story which we once lived but her story could not be cherished; Even the footsteps seemed to fade away.
Letters she had none – her mother had burned them when she read them. Yes, she had lost a lot.
He told her he didn’t love her last night. He kept it as simple as that and she made herself believe it wasn’t easy for him not knowing things will never be the same again.
She felt numb, No – she felt nothing.
She didn’t have tears in her eyes, she was crying out her heart now.
Suddenly life had no meaning.
She had lost her father when she was thirteen and today she lost the second man she had ever loved.
Her mother had always been there for her but she lost her trust – and she lost it all there.
If she had something left in her – it was the faith she had.
God loves all. She tried hard to talk to the idol on her bedside but hearing no voice again she knew she was make-believing.
She decided to live.
Not living for a reason but living to find that reason.
She went to school every day. Her friends seemed to care.
She never had many though-there were only a few she loved.
They wanted their friend back but she was long gone.
They gave up on her soon, she knew they wouldn’t understand.
A heart breaks too silently for the world to hear and then it has always been the tears which say it all?
No, she didn’t cry at nights. They were just long, long December nights.
She sat on the bench near the riverside and went into deep thoughts; she never knew what were they about or how long did they last.
Her heart missed him but she didn’t. She told herself that she was strong. She knew time could heal but quite some time had passed.
One night it rained heavily. She walked on the street unaware of the cold – unaware of the car that finally made her feel some pain.
The red from her heart finally oozed out as blood and mixed with the rain.
Her phone lay on the street ringing and we saw his name flashing and then silently fading.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Lost yesterday, somewhere between sunrise and sunset ,two golden hours each set with sixty diamond minutes.No reward is offered,for they are gone FOREVER.I left my heart somewhere in the past.
The future is nothing but a mirage.
The moments are lost and no answers have been found.
Surviving or living ?Is there a difference,now?
Cognitive appraisal.!
Half of me?
The original snap happens to be pretty different but somehow I like this edited version.
There are two sides of every person.They interact constantly in our unconscious mind.It is a human tendency to favor one side.
The conflict between these two sides leads to half of the problems in us.
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
As though to breath were life' - Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson.
Time - When it flies,It keeps on flying.
Make the most of today.
It is the most beautiful gift of God but sadly,half of us don't even know how to value it.
One day I heard someone say, 'Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket.'
How Important it is to have memories:Those narrow lanes are lost.Those kites flying above are no more ours.The children screaming with happiness when it's time for 'em to go home from school,when was the last time we felt that happy? Ironically,We lost ourselves in the futile and consistent efforts to find ourselves.
And somewhere in some corner of our hearts we genuinely have a silent hope 'I wish I could be a child again.'
Monday, July 20, 2009
The sun has to set.
And the sun did set.
But then why did the stars also refuse to shine?
Why did my angel leave me,when I needed it the most?
I was holding on a rope till I lost my grip,
The black can’t turn blacker but in my case,It did.
I knelt before you just for a little sunshine,
I prayed every night but even you couldn’t make things right.
The red began to fade as the yellow turned light.
I looked towards the moon now,
Even the clouds were not on my side.
I closed my eyes then,I chose darkness over the light.
I waited.
I felt my world fall apart,
If I could,I would run back into the past!
I hated the stillness around me.
Couldn’t somebody come and lead me to the light?
I hoped each day,I knew things would go right
But how much could hope survive?It died.
I don’t have chains around me but I still don’t feel free.
I smile,But without a shine in my eyes.
Is the ocean still deep?
Do children still cry for lollipops?
Does the wet mud still smell the same?
Do the birds still fly?
Haven’t seen life for so long!
I wished it could all end.
There is no day waiting for me…
I got a call,I finally opened my eyes,
I said,”Hello?”
“He is out of danger,wants to see you.” Said the voice!
I looked at the sky,the moon stood shinning.
I had closed my eyes,How could I have seen the light?
I had lost all hopes,without making an effort to find.
The sun has to set
But it is incomplete without its sunshine,
Look around and search for that light!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Life is for real!
One thing I always feared in life was this that when I look into someones eyes i don’t see hatred for myself,I don’t see pity for me,i don’t see the feeling of revenge in them.Infact I never wanted to see sad eyes,I never wanted anyone to say this to me “you have fallen down in my eyes”,I never wanted to see a feeling of disgust for me in peoples eyes,I never wanted someone’s eyes to say “you broke my trust” but the thing I dreaded the most was my own eyes lowering down on seeing someone.I never wanted a feeling of guilt to creep into me but it all happened!
Life is unpredictable,one moment it gives you all the reasons to be on the 9th cloud and just with the blink of your eyes makes you fall on the surface,harder than you expected to fall!If today I sit and write about how beautiful my life is,I will be able to write a lot,I am lucky when it comes to certain things but as seen people generally do not count their blessings.The same is with me.I like writing about all the “negative things” in my life,I am not a pessimist but yes then I am not even a complete optimist.I love to be happy but then how can I always be happy when my life isn’t perfect?I am wrong,my thought process is wrong.Perfection and happiness and two different things,happiness is attainable and perfection is something which cannot be attained!Why are we expecting life to be fair when we know it can never be fair?
Perfection doesn’t come along with happiness,it’s just this that when we start finding joy in small things what we experience after some time is perfect happiness!And we humans require prefect happiness and not a perfect life!
We go wrong,we do the wrong deed without thinking about the consequences and when finally we have to face the consequences we are shattered.What for?It is life,you will go wrong,you aint God..and the fact is this that you can never be God!So be human,don’t blame yourself for every little thing that happens in your life,be a person who trusts oneself and who listens to what others say but does what the inner being says!Get over the fact that God does everything,stop thinking that he has a solution to every problem and that he will always be there for you..learn to be independent!Accept the way life is going.Even if you hate your life,accept that hatred as a part of you!Deal with it!Grow up!Crying is not the solution to every problem on earth and every problem on earth doesn’t even have a solution.Sometimes you need to just “let it lie” to let things be.everything in life is not worth your attention and hence you need to realize that life will NOT always be great!There are low times in everyones life and in some lives there are no high points at all.Again accept the fact and move on!Don’t curse!Sometimes you give in your best but you don’t even get half of what you expected.It hurts.I know..i can understand but then till what time do you sit and lament about the fact that you never get what you deserve?Life is too short to regret things and events.Be a happy person.Your tears are way too precious.There are people who love you, maybe you don’t get the same love that you give others back but then you can’t beg for love,you have to smile when life expects you to cry!Be stong!Be a Gods child!Never blame him for the events taking place in your life..ask yourself..there must be a reason behind them..a reason which you already know or which you will soon come to know!Be patient!Life has too much in store for you..it will suffocate you to death but you have to breathe,you need to live,you need to love your life when you think it hates you!Not because you can’t fight back but because you need to accept the fact that however great you are your life and God will always be greater than you!Sometimes you fall down in everyones eyes,sometimes the people who mean a lot to you don’t even look at you,sometimes you don’t know what have you done that everything around you seems so blurry.These are the testing times.Don’t fail.Accept it and do something about it and if you can’t let it be.Time does wonders.It really does.I am not asking you to be a loser in life,I am just expecting you to realize the fact that this life is worth everything but one thing that you need to know is this that it cannot be fair!
I am not asking you to kill your desires and expectations but I am asking you to be strong enough when they don’t come true.I am not asking you not to believe in God but I am asking you to stop blaming him for everything.I am not asking you to be a perfect human being but I am asking you to be a sensible human being who doesn’t demand perfection or complete happiness,who just lives life as it comes with tears and laughter,with friends and enemies,with dreams and shattered dreams,with pride and guilt,with trust and sometimes without it!You have to live this life..you need to live this life with a large heart and a broad smile!You need to be strong enough to correct your own mistakes and rise up again in the eyes of others,you need to look into the eyes of a person,you need to come out of your guilt and live a happy life,you need to stop paying attention to what everyone says and sometimes you need to look down and say a “sorry”.That’s life and that’s how it will be for you and for me!Sometimes you need to live your biggest fears and you need to be strong enough to face them!
Sometimes life truly sucks and at those times we need to know that it does suck!We cannot run away from the reality everytime!Face yourself and your life before it gets too late and you have nothing left with you!Come out of your illusions and come to the real world!Life is for real..know that and deal with it!
Life is unpredictable,one moment it gives you all the reasons to be on the 9th cloud and just with the blink of your eyes makes you fall on the surface,harder than you expected to fall!If today I sit and write about how beautiful my life is,I will be able to write a lot,I am lucky when it comes to certain things but as seen people generally do not count their blessings.The same is with me.I like writing about all the “negative things” in my life,I am not a pessimist but yes then I am not even a complete optimist.I love to be happy but then how can I always be happy when my life isn’t perfect?I am wrong,my thought process is wrong.Perfection and happiness and two different things,happiness is attainable and perfection is something which cannot be attained!Why are we expecting life to be fair when we know it can never be fair?
Perfection doesn’t come along with happiness,it’s just this that when we start finding joy in small things what we experience after some time is perfect happiness!And we humans require prefect happiness and not a perfect life!
We go wrong,we do the wrong deed without thinking about the consequences and when finally we have to face the consequences we are shattered.What for?It is life,you will go wrong,you aint God..and the fact is this that you can never be God!So be human,don’t blame yourself for every little thing that happens in your life,be a person who trusts oneself and who listens to what others say but does what the inner being says!Get over the fact that God does everything,stop thinking that he has a solution to every problem and that he will always be there for you..learn to be independent!Accept the way life is going.Even if you hate your life,accept that hatred as a part of you!Deal with it!Grow up!Crying is not the solution to every problem on earth and every problem on earth doesn’t even have a solution.Sometimes you need to just “let it lie” to let things be.everything in life is not worth your attention and hence you need to realize that life will NOT always be great!There are low times in everyones life and in some lives there are no high points at all.Again accept the fact and move on!Don’t curse!Sometimes you give in your best but you don’t even get half of what you expected.It hurts.I know..i can understand but then till what time do you sit and lament about the fact that you never get what you deserve?Life is too short to regret things and events.Be a happy person.Your tears are way too precious.There are people who love you, maybe you don’t get the same love that you give others back but then you can’t beg for love,you have to smile when life expects you to cry!Be stong!Be a Gods child!Never blame him for the events taking place in your life..ask yourself..there must be a reason behind them..a reason which you already know or which you will soon come to know!Be patient!Life has too much in store for you..it will suffocate you to death but you have to breathe,you need to live,you need to love your life when you think it hates you!Not because you can’t fight back but because you need to accept the fact that however great you are your life and God will always be greater than you!Sometimes you fall down in everyones eyes,sometimes the people who mean a lot to you don’t even look at you,sometimes you don’t know what have you done that everything around you seems so blurry.These are the testing times.Don’t fail.Accept it and do something about it and if you can’t let it be.Time does wonders.It really does.I am not asking you to be a loser in life,I am just expecting you to realize the fact that this life is worth everything but one thing that you need to know is this that it cannot be fair!
I am not asking you to kill your desires and expectations but I am asking you to be strong enough when they don’t come true.I am not asking you not to believe in God but I am asking you to stop blaming him for everything.I am not asking you to be a perfect human being but I am asking you to be a sensible human being who doesn’t demand perfection or complete happiness,who just lives life as it comes with tears and laughter,with friends and enemies,with dreams and shattered dreams,with pride and guilt,with trust and sometimes without it!You have to live this life..you need to live this life with a large heart and a broad smile!You need to be strong enough to correct your own mistakes and rise up again in the eyes of others,you need to look into the eyes of a person,you need to come out of your guilt and live a happy life,you need to stop paying attention to what everyone says and sometimes you need to look down and say a “sorry”.That’s life and that’s how it will be for you and for me!Sometimes you need to live your biggest fears and you need to be strong enough to face them!
Sometimes life truly sucks and at those times we need to know that it does suck!We cannot run away from the reality everytime!Face yourself and your life before it gets too late and you have nothing left with you!Come out of your illusions and come to the real world!Life is for real..know that and deal with it!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
My Star!
Be my brightest star tonight!
Yes baby,you brighten up my world.
Dreams seem more real and words suddenly have more meaning..
Just be where you are..just be my brightest star and keep darkness away from this heart!
When I miss you,shine!
When I kiss you,hold the time!
When I look at you,just smile!
And when I love you,be mine!
Forever is not what I ask for
If there is something beyond forever
I will just pray and don’t you know what for?
Shine not only for me but for the world
But be the brightest one for me
Give me that special place in your world
Just cuddle me and take me!
Make my world a part of yours
I look in your eyes and I know exactly what’s ours!
Hold my hand and take me to a place where there is only you and me..and there is love that surrounds us.Oh!just ask this time to freeze!
Talk in everlasting words through eyes.
Just speak and don’t break the silence please!
Just take me away with you..let’s just be where we are!
I want to travel through your eyes into your heart and stay there forever and beyond!
Don’t make me miss you.
Just make me love you.
Make my life a reflection of yours.
Make my love fall in love with yours.
Make my smile the mirror of yours.
Make me a part of your heaven where I just lie forever in your arms!
Yes baby,you brighten up my world.
Dreams seem more real and words suddenly have more meaning..
Just be where you are..just be my brightest star and keep darkness away from this heart!
When I miss you,shine!
When I kiss you,hold the time!
When I look at you,just smile!
And when I love you,be mine!
Forever is not what I ask for
If there is something beyond forever
I will just pray and don’t you know what for?
Shine not only for me but for the world
But be the brightest one for me
Give me that special place in your world
Just cuddle me and take me!
Make my world a part of yours
I look in your eyes and I know exactly what’s ours!
Hold my hand and take me to a place where there is only you and me..and there is love that surrounds us.Oh!just ask this time to freeze!
Talk in everlasting words through eyes.
Just speak and don’t break the silence please!
Just take me away with you..let’s just be where we are!
I want to travel through your eyes into your heart and stay there forever and beyond!
Don’t make me miss you.
Just make me love you.
Make my life a reflection of yours.
Make my love fall in love with yours.
Make my smile the mirror of yours.
Make me a part of your heaven where I just lie forever in your arms!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Can you feel it?
take the stars, give me the moon.
may this darkness meet its light soon.
like the destiny of two souls is pre-ordined
this moonlight will slowly meet the suns light.
the magnetic sky stands motionless near the earth
i hear the moon whispering to the stars, he tells them
how much he loves the noon.
he loves the way the sun spreads its light.
he has a secret desire to call the sun his, tonight.
The whispers lose their way in the soft breeze which blows
Across my face and I hear the wind say “love is no game”.
As the breeze leaves my room it gently says “I love you”
I smile but I don’t reply, just because the silence was so beautiful that it was hard to break.
It’s hours past mid-night and I wish the time goes still, have never Felt so peaceful before..hush! The receding tides say something..everything is so clear from my room.
It says “I’ll come back but only if it is in the palm of your hand” I trust it when it says so cause I believe in destiny..
Oh look the cloud drops a tear in the ocean..will it also miss the tide?
The sound of rain silently fills the atmosphere..drops fall on the ocean floor..it’s soft rain..it seems like a love letter from the clouds to the tides..look how the whole ocean accepts it with that smile.
It is true love..i can feel it in the air..how I know it will never come to an end.
They say nature works in symmetry..i felt it today..it’s so peaceful just because love is in the air..the sight is unbelievably beautiful..may be because humans aint there..
I finally speak.."teach humans how to love..tell them what is true love..show them it’s not just another word."
I gently pull up my quilt and go off to sleep.
may this darkness meet its light soon.
like the destiny of two souls is pre-ordined
this moonlight will slowly meet the suns light.
the magnetic sky stands motionless near the earth
i hear the moon whispering to the stars, he tells them
how much he loves the noon.
he loves the way the sun spreads its light.
he has a secret desire to call the sun his, tonight.
The whispers lose their way in the soft breeze which blows
Across my face and I hear the wind say “love is no game”.
As the breeze leaves my room it gently says “I love you”
I smile but I don’t reply, just because the silence was so beautiful that it was hard to break.
It’s hours past mid-night and I wish the time goes still, have never Felt so peaceful before..hush! The receding tides say something..everything is so clear from my room.
It says “I’ll come back but only if it is in the palm of your hand” I trust it when it says so cause I believe in destiny..
Oh look the cloud drops a tear in the ocean..will it also miss the tide?
The sound of rain silently fills the atmosphere..drops fall on the ocean floor..it’s soft rain..it seems like a love letter from the clouds to the tides..look how the whole ocean accepts it with that smile.
It is true love..i can feel it in the air..how I know it will never come to an end.
They say nature works in symmetry..i felt it today..it’s so peaceful just because love is in the air..the sight is unbelievably beautiful..may be because humans aint there..
I finally speak.."teach humans how to love..tell them what is true love..show them it’s not just another word."
I gently pull up my quilt and go off to sleep.
Love?
these feelings sofly induced themselves in me..
feelings which are too pure to be spoken
and too complicated to be explained....
i see you, my eyes refuse to even blink..
i talk to you i leave sentences incomplete..
cause i lose myself sumwhere in your eyes...
i gently wish never to be found again..
what you do to me can't be expressed...
the moment i am with you i pray to almighty god...can't this time freeze?
can't i live this moment again and again..till my last breath i breathe...
i close my eyes i see your face....so beautiful...oh yea just so beautiful..
i sleep at night...i dream you....i wish, can't this dream make way into my day-to-day life..
whatever i do....i do it for you...whatever i think...your thought does cross my mind..
i have started thinking like you....u rule my mind...my heart...my soul...
everything that i see reminds me of you...
i look at the stars...they shine so bright...i wait for a star to fall....so that i can close my eyes....and wish that even i could be a part of your life...
whatever you do good or bad for me its just you whose the best..
your perfect for me although your imperfect....but whatever you do i always see some good in it..
i hear your name....it resounds in my head....it gets a smile on my face..
if just your name could make me the happiest person on earth just think what you can do to me by your sweet presence..
all love songs remind me of you....every beat of my heart is so incomplete without you...
i am made for you...just for you..
your smile....brings a smile on my face too.....your smile and eyes speak the truth so faithfully that its hard to speak a lie to you....
you have something in you that makes me climb upto the seventh heaven just by one glace of you..
the way you speak....forces me to believe in you....and i hope to lock up all those words in a box so that i can listen to them again n again....
when your away i feel so empty.....i feel like something's missing....and then the moment i see you i feel like my life is complete....i am complete...!!
can you call this love? or just an undefined feeling....people say i am in love but i don' t think a four letter word can define what i feel....
feelings which are too pure to be spoken
and too complicated to be explained....
i see you, my eyes refuse to even blink..
i talk to you i leave sentences incomplete..
cause i lose myself sumwhere in your eyes...
i gently wish never to be found again..
what you do to me can't be expressed...
the moment i am with you i pray to almighty god...can't this time freeze?
can't i live this moment again and again..till my last breath i breathe...
i close my eyes i see your face....so beautiful...oh yea just so beautiful..
i sleep at night...i dream you....i wish, can't this dream make way into my day-to-day life..
whatever i do....i do it for you...whatever i think...your thought does cross my mind..
i have started thinking like you....u rule my mind...my heart...my soul...
everything that i see reminds me of you...
i look at the stars...they shine so bright...i wait for a star to fall....so that i can close my eyes....and wish that even i could be a part of your life...
whatever you do good or bad for me its just you whose the best..
your perfect for me although your imperfect....but whatever you do i always see some good in it..
i hear your name....it resounds in my head....it gets a smile on my face..
if just your name could make me the happiest person on earth just think what you can do to me by your sweet presence..
all love songs remind me of you....every beat of my heart is so incomplete without you...
i am made for you...just for you..
your smile....brings a smile on my face too.....your smile and eyes speak the truth so faithfully that its hard to speak a lie to you....
you have something in you that makes me climb upto the seventh heaven just by one glace of you..
the way you speak....forces me to believe in you....and i hope to lock up all those words in a box so that i can listen to them again n again....
when your away i feel so empty.....i feel like something's missing....and then the moment i see you i feel like my life is complete....i am complete...!!
can you call this love? or just an undefined feeling....people say i am in love but i don' t think a four letter word can define what i feel....
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Red rose of my life!
i kissed you in my dreams the other day,
when i woke up there was a faint redness on my face.
i smiled to myself looking at that mirror..
oh! how i wished you were near..
I then went down the memory lane it only had smiles.
No tears down my memory lane.
I remembered those innocent days of childhood..and those carefree days of youth..you always were a part of my life..
And yes may be you were that smile.
You make my soul happy..can I ask you how?
You make my life complete...can I ask you how?
You are like that coziness in that dark winter night.
you are like that smile which can be seen in ones eyes.
baby! you are the red rose of my life.
You are like that soft breeze in a full moon night.
You are like that sound of the tides striking the shore, mid-night.
You are like that feeling of a mother meeting a lost child.
You are the sudden silence in a crowded noisy room.
You are the dawn after the dark night.
baby!you are the red rose of my life.
when i woke up there was a faint redness on my face.
i smiled to myself looking at that mirror..
oh! how i wished you were near..
I then went down the memory lane it only had smiles.
No tears down my memory lane.
I remembered those innocent days of childhood..and those carefree days of youth..you always were a part of my life..
And yes may be you were that smile.
You make my soul happy..can I ask you how?
You make my life complete...can I ask you how?
You are like that coziness in that dark winter night.
you are like that smile which can be seen in ones eyes.
baby! you are the red rose of my life.
You are like that soft breeze in a full moon night.
You are like that sound of the tides striking the shore, mid-night.
You are like that feeling of a mother meeting a lost child.
You are the sudden silence in a crowded noisy room.
You are the dawn after the dark night.
baby!you are the red rose of my life.
My heaven!!
come on,hold my hand now,
i wanna take you to my world.
touch me and free yourself from this pain
enter my world again.
hey look!that butterfly wants to play with you,
don't run away like that..
why do i see that pearl in your eyes still?
Come on you can smile now..
hold this hand tighter..i want to feel you again
don't just run away..my world is also beautiful, my friend!
Your eyes have so many questions in them..ask them to me now..
why don't your eyes glitter when they see those white lillies..and
that red one in the centre was watered by me..
hey look!up there the sun shines for us..and do you even notice
that waterfall..the water is flowing just for us..
hey hey hey...look there on your right..the angels are singing the lullabye
this one is my favourite and i am sure you'll like it.
But why do you stand so motionless?why are you stoned?
don't you remember me...welcome!this is our new world.
It will take time..but all will be fine..
when you meet my best friend...your God..
you know him..don't you?
you know what?God looks like none of those idols we use to worship down below
he is no Bhagwaan..Allah or Jesus...he is just another of us..he is anywhere you want him to be..
you don't have to pray to him..you sometimes have to pray with him.
hey!we reached my favourite place so fast...you look at those white horses...they bring about dawn..
and that seven coloured bird you see there...is the reason for the rainbow..
come on raise your eyes now..look at those yellow mustard fields..don't they look never ending?
smell the fragnance of the roses the moon is plucking,it will gift them to the sun tonight.
hey be careful..oh!these parrots have always been like this.
that fountain there...always reminded me of you..remember that day
near the shopping mall..it was only me and you..
the fountain has no water in it...instead it has milk..meant for anyone to drink.
speak something..don't kill me with this silence yet again.
you aint happy to be here?or you still stand by your words?you still don't need me my friend,
my lover!
don't make me cry..do you know it rains every time an angel cries?
you rejoice in that rain..but it's our pain..but we don't mind it because we smile when we see our loved ones smiling down below.
i requested God to make me your angel..i did this for the second time.
But you just don't seem to be mine.
Hey..close your eyes for a second..feel the soft breeze..it comes from there..the east..
Do you want to meet the stars? They are all here..even at this hour..
Say something..why are you so numb?don’t you feel happy when you see the one you loved once..
Did you cry the day I died?tell me...look me in my eyes.
I was’nt able to see you that day from here..i was in too much pain.
I had cut my wrist open just for you..see the scar is still there..but it never hurts now..after all we are in heaven.
I talked to God last night..i told him that I still miss you..
But I said let him be happy down below..my pain is not worth his death..so what if my love became the reason for my own death.
But my soul feels glad here...there is no sign of hate..
I don’t know why he called you here..may be it was your destiny..believe me the reason can’t be me.
Please look me in my eyes..and tell me that you love me..
Kiss me and kill this fear within me..
You found someone else that night..right?
Tell me...i won’t force you to love me..can I just smile when I see you please? answer this much atleast.
Is it so hard for you to believe?yes..we are in heaven.
i wanna take you to my world.
touch me and free yourself from this pain
enter my world again.
hey look!that butterfly wants to play with you,
don't run away like that..
why do i see that pearl in your eyes still?
Come on you can smile now..
hold this hand tighter..i want to feel you again
don't just run away..my world is also beautiful, my friend!
Your eyes have so many questions in them..ask them to me now..
why don't your eyes glitter when they see those white lillies..and
that red one in the centre was watered by me..
hey look!up there the sun shines for us..and do you even notice
that waterfall..the water is flowing just for us..
hey hey hey...look there on your right..the angels are singing the lullabye
this one is my favourite and i am sure you'll like it.
But why do you stand so motionless?why are you stoned?
don't you remember me...welcome!this is our new world.
It will take time..but all will be fine..
when you meet my best friend...your God..
you know him..don't you?
you know what?God looks like none of those idols we use to worship down below
he is no Bhagwaan..Allah or Jesus...he is just another of us..he is anywhere you want him to be..
you don't have to pray to him..you sometimes have to pray with him.
hey!we reached my favourite place so fast...you look at those white horses...they bring about dawn..
and that seven coloured bird you see there...is the reason for the rainbow..
come on raise your eyes now..look at those yellow mustard fields..don't they look never ending?
smell the fragnance of the roses the moon is plucking,it will gift them to the sun tonight.
hey be careful..oh!these parrots have always been like this.
that fountain there...always reminded me of you..remember that day
near the shopping mall..it was only me and you..
the fountain has no water in it...instead it has milk..meant for anyone to drink.
speak something..don't kill me with this silence yet again.
you aint happy to be here?or you still stand by your words?you still don't need me my friend,
my lover!
don't make me cry..do you know it rains every time an angel cries?
you rejoice in that rain..but it's our pain..but we don't mind it because we smile when we see our loved ones smiling down below.
i requested God to make me your angel..i did this for the second time.
But you just don't seem to be mine.
Hey..close your eyes for a second..feel the soft breeze..it comes from there..the east..
Do you want to meet the stars? They are all here..even at this hour..
Say something..why are you so numb?don’t you feel happy when you see the one you loved once..
Did you cry the day I died?tell me...look me in my eyes.
I was’nt able to see you that day from here..i was in too much pain.
I had cut my wrist open just for you..see the scar is still there..but it never hurts now..after all we are in heaven.
I talked to God last night..i told him that I still miss you..
But I said let him be happy down below..my pain is not worth his death..so what if my love became the reason for my own death.
But my soul feels glad here...there is no sign of hate..
I don’t know why he called you here..may be it was your destiny..believe me the reason can’t be me.
Please look me in my eyes..and tell me that you love me..
Kiss me and kill this fear within me..
You found someone else that night..right?
Tell me...i won’t force you to love me..can I just smile when I see you please? answer this much atleast.
Is it so hard for you to believe?yes..we are in heaven.
Darkness fades?
Confined to this dark room,
i pray to thee for that last breath,
i hope to see that light again,
i think my rod cells are deactivated now,
my eyes so prone to this shadowy darkness.
i talk to the stars when i wish to speak,
i close my eyes when i want to feel,
no one to see me,no one to share my pain
its only the stars that shinedown on me from that meshed window,
my only source of light.
i know this light will also fade someday,
the day my vision gets dim,i will close my eyes and breathe in this envious darkness,
solitude is not always bliss.
i die to see my own face,forgotten how i looked,
imprisoned in this dark cave,no escape whatever it takes.
memory fades,as i lose track of this time,
i don't even know the reasons for these tears,
i drink them as water when i am thirsty,i talk to them when i feel a bit lonely.
its too cloudy outside today,the stars have failed to shine,
the night today is darker than my cave,clouds seem to sleep peacefully in the air.
i wont be able to talk to the stars today i will have to wait and bleed.
blood is the resistence offered in the path of my death,
thats why i want to bleed it all out so that even i can rest.
i close my eyes in the attempt to kill darkness but its all that i get,
slow pictures move in my mind,they give me a feeling as if i have turned colour blind,
they are faded,the view unclear but i see a girl laughing,running on the mountains,catching butterflies,singing songs i wish to know who she is,my mind tells me it’s me but i don't agree,
how can she be me?she's so happy.
i wonder what wrong i would have done to be chained and abandoned
to be left with these empty thoughts all alone.
a lady comes and visits me each day.wrapped in a shawl,she's scared of me and i can read her face,
from a distance she smiles at me but that smile turns into a tear soon
a frown comes on my face wondering was i the reason for that too?
she runs away her grey hair trying to pace up with her speed,
she also goes away leaving questions unanswered in my head,
i try hard to remember who she is but my senses fail to trace.
i try to break these chains when she runs but hopeless and restless i rest again.
i think about that tear every day after she's gone and i figure hopelessness in her eyes too.
the walls around me turn damp at night but something on them reminds me of a sight,
i see hearts made on them with jet black coal,two names written next to them,i think hard to recall these names but my memory and dreams are all lost in this darkness.
the names are familiar but yet unknown.broken and bleak images exsist in my mind but the grave to know who they belong to dies slowly as the dark again meets the night.
i lay here unwanted and confined with nothing to think about,nothing to do,nothing to stare at,over here its the darkness and the pain which rules.
i pray to thee for that last breath,
i hope to see that light again,
i think my rod cells are deactivated now,
my eyes so prone to this shadowy darkness.
i talk to the stars when i wish to speak,
i close my eyes when i want to feel,
no one to see me,no one to share my pain
its only the stars that shinedown on me from that meshed window,
my only source of light.
i know this light will also fade someday,
the day my vision gets dim,i will close my eyes and breathe in this envious darkness,
solitude is not always bliss.
i die to see my own face,forgotten how i looked,
imprisoned in this dark cave,no escape whatever it takes.
memory fades,as i lose track of this time,
i don't even know the reasons for these tears,
i drink them as water when i am thirsty,i talk to them when i feel a bit lonely.
its too cloudy outside today,the stars have failed to shine,
the night today is darker than my cave,clouds seem to sleep peacefully in the air.
i wont be able to talk to the stars today i will have to wait and bleed.
blood is the resistence offered in the path of my death,
thats why i want to bleed it all out so that even i can rest.
i close my eyes in the attempt to kill darkness but its all that i get,
slow pictures move in my mind,they give me a feeling as if i have turned colour blind,
they are faded,the view unclear but i see a girl laughing,running on the mountains,catching butterflies,singing songs i wish to know who she is,my mind tells me it’s me but i don't agree,
how can she be me?she's so happy.
i wonder what wrong i would have done to be chained and abandoned
to be left with these empty thoughts all alone.
a lady comes and visits me each day.wrapped in a shawl,she's scared of me and i can read her face,
from a distance she smiles at me but that smile turns into a tear soon
a frown comes on my face wondering was i the reason for that too?
she runs away her grey hair trying to pace up with her speed,
she also goes away leaving questions unanswered in my head,
i try hard to remember who she is but my senses fail to trace.
i try to break these chains when she runs but hopeless and restless i rest again.
i think about that tear every day after she's gone and i figure hopelessness in her eyes too.
the walls around me turn damp at night but something on them reminds me of a sight,
i see hearts made on them with jet black coal,two names written next to them,i think hard to recall these names but my memory and dreams are all lost in this darkness.
the names are familiar but yet unknown.broken and bleak images exsist in my mind but the grave to know who they belong to dies slowly as the dark again meets the night.
i lay here unwanted and confined with nothing to think about,nothing to do,nothing to stare at,over here its the darkness and the pain which rules.
Life..has to be grand!!
Life!
wow..what do you thing this four letter word is all about?
it's a gift given to you by God with the help of your mother.
but this life is grand..it does not matter whether you live it up in a slum
or in a mansion..at the end of the day it's the way you look at yourself..
the people around you..the things around you..is what actually matters.
sometimes this life leaves you in a situation where you feel you are lost in this ocean..
you were the one who opted to swim in the sea..you knew it that you don't know how to swim..
you knew it that if you reach the deeper part you can even drown..but you "chose" to enter it..because
you found it attractive..because you wanted to be a part of what the world was doing..and because you thought whats the harm if i have some fun on the shallower side..and because you were confident enough you would be careful enough and never enter the deeper side..its okay!no problem with your thought process...this is life..you tend to get attracted to things which might just lead up to your end..and yes!you even know about it.
okay!so you enter the water..you are excited but hell careful..you are alert..so protect your self from the high tides..you do have your "life jacket" on...when suddenly you don't even realize and you get so engrossed in this beautiful ocean..you get even more attracted..you get attached to this ocean..the calmness of the waves..the beautiful sound of them meeting the shore..you start thinking that the life outside this ocean was nothing as compared to this one..you are having the best days of your life..and you don't realize when you finally enter the deeper side...earlier you had your life jacket on..but you left it mid-way because it made you feel uncomfortable..its okay again..this is all Life..and it has to be grand..now when you finally realize you are in the deeper side you start panting..you get breathless..you beg for help..ALL the happiness that you had just lived some moments back suddenly turns into the worst thing you have ever done in your life...the feeling of the waves even touching you gets a shiver down your spine..the life "outside" this ocean seems so beautiful now..so you are lost..you can't hear anything except for your own screaming and shouting..and yes you are drowning...you have almost seen death when a person finally comes to your rescue..you are safe..you are back to your life...but that drowning feeling somewhere still exists..days pass....months pass....you start forgetting about it...and one fine day you see the same beach again..you still remember all that had happened...but you promise yourself once again that you will not go to the deeper side and enter the ocean.its hard to resist right?
why do you think i wrote this?this ocean can be anything...ocean of thoughts...where in the back of your mind you know that thinking about the same thing again and again will lead you to nowhere but still you keep on thinking...and because you think about it so much that you tend to get depressed..upset...you feel lost...and when finally you want to come out of the same thought...you feel trapped ..you can't do anything...some are lucky enough to get out of it because of may be friends?family?oneself?God?..anything...but some...you might have heard of things like suicide?...yes people...suicide is the outcome of this ever growing feeling...which you want to kill within yourself...it is a result of all the tension...trauma...thoughts....you are trying to burry within yourself...that you finally give up...
.."i don't have anything to give you now...so i finally give up"...
this ocean can also be love....Love..yes you can permit yourself a smile...even i did....its okay!..let me tell you people if you fall in love thinking this is your "true love" you will soon realize it was just "another of your true loves" when you are finally out of it..if you want to be fake...if you want to hurt someone...the best way out is say 'i luv you"...and later "bunk them"..and yes you can smile again at my stupid but true thoughts.
okay now why am i comparing this ocean to love?love...what i have said just one line back..is my personal thought..but i am sure many of you or may be in todays world almost all of you think the same..or may be something like that...but just think what if the person you have this "secret crush" on proposed you?will you ever say "no"?come on ask yourself please..for my sake...close your eyes and imagine the person you like secretly or may be openly...proposes you...(i know this thought will atleast make you smile..its okay!...its but natural...sometimes its hard to control your smile and sometimes harder to control your tears)..you know that in the end this love will lead you to nowhere....it can't be forever?oviously it can't...forever is like so much..*phew*...so you know that if you say yes...you might just love that person even more...and later he/she might be the only beautiful thing in your life perhaps the only thing that would give you happiness..but you know if this person leaves you someday...you will be left with "nothing"...you will be "lost"...but you ignore these thoughts and say a "yes"...life suddenly becomes so beautiful..wow...the life "outside" this "love world" seems like so blank...so dull...it seems you have just started living the best days of your life...you are happy...more than happy..but yes you are careful that you dint get too much into this (life jacket)...but later you get so attracted that you finally decide to throw the life jacket away..and enjoy your love life to the fullest...and you still are the happiest...you wish time goes still...you think everything is perfect....but have’nt you heard before "its against the rules of God to see a person happy for more than sometime"..now this "sometime" can be hours....months...years...it depends..(and by the way this is my theory so how can you hear it before?)...anyways...so now this person...who once loved you...was always willing to talk to you..always missed you..wanted to hug you...and just be with you...suddenly does'nt even call you up..."ignores" your messages..rejects your calls....so is the love gone?or may be as i said it was all fake?you use to live in this world of illusion....you can't be sure...so now you finally want to get over this..."ALL the happiness that you had just lived some moments back suddenly turns into the worst thing you have ever done in your life"...see that's life...grand na?...so you can't get over this person now...you feel "lost"...suffocated...you feel that you are "drowning"...you sinking and there is no one who can help you out...but after all this do you stop loving that person?ask this question to yourself...i am sure you will get an answer...if your answer is "yes" my dear..here is a reality check....the answer is "no"...its not all that easy as it seems now...forgetting someone you considered everything...is this easy?it is the hardest thing on this earth...but you can't help it....and yes this is life...aint it grand?...somehow you come out of it...(i am not sure..but maybe you can)...but the thoughts kill you...you have made up your mind you wont even think about this person...but after every two minutes don't you check your cell phone for one message...?...whenever your phone rings don't you wish its her/him?..its okay!...natural as i say...this is life....and it has to be grand...the person is still in your thoughts but yes you finally have learnt how to smile...to live your life without this person...you live a normal life...may be with some emptiness...NOW...days pass...months pass..or may be even years....this person calls you...and says..."i still luv you"...gives a long list of problems as to why he was'nt able to call you up...and so on...will you say its okay....and get back to those huh "beautiful" days...or....hmmm...should i even give you another option?...you need to be strong(this strong is far more stronger than the image of the word “strong” that you have in mind) to say a "no".....i leave this question...unanswered....think about it...and do tell me the answer please...!!
that ocean can also be compared to the various materialistic things...to money..and to so many things more..
It is not essential that I have experienced the things mentioned above...but I have observed these things...it happens...and I am sure it does..this ocean is dangerous...very dangerous...i can just say “control your feelings”...don’t let them free..
So this “shit” is from my side...for you...learn from it if you want to..don’t even bother to think about it if you aint interested..call it “a piece of shit” if you feel like...or just give it a thought it might help...
People learn to learn from your mistakes..if someone pushes you ... you push them back...don’t just fall...give it a try if you want to but then later dare you cry...its tough ...its hard...but in the end its worth it...its okay! This is life...and it has to be grand!!!
wow..what do you thing this four letter word is all about?
it's a gift given to you by God with the help of your mother.
but this life is grand..it does not matter whether you live it up in a slum
or in a mansion..at the end of the day it's the way you look at yourself..
the people around you..the things around you..is what actually matters.
sometimes this life leaves you in a situation where you feel you are lost in this ocean..
you were the one who opted to swim in the sea..you knew it that you don't know how to swim..
you knew it that if you reach the deeper part you can even drown..but you "chose" to enter it..because
you found it attractive..because you wanted to be a part of what the world was doing..and because you thought whats the harm if i have some fun on the shallower side..and because you were confident enough you would be careful enough and never enter the deeper side..its okay!no problem with your thought process...this is life..you tend to get attracted to things which might just lead up to your end..and yes!you even know about it.
okay!so you enter the water..you are excited but hell careful..you are alert..so protect your self from the high tides..you do have your "life jacket" on...when suddenly you don't even realize and you get so engrossed in this beautiful ocean..you get even more attracted..you get attached to this ocean..the calmness of the waves..the beautiful sound of them meeting the shore..you start thinking that the life outside this ocean was nothing as compared to this one..you are having the best days of your life..and you don't realize when you finally enter the deeper side...earlier you had your life jacket on..but you left it mid-way because it made you feel uncomfortable..its okay again..this is all Life..and it has to be grand..now when you finally realize you are in the deeper side you start panting..you get breathless..you beg for help..ALL the happiness that you had just lived some moments back suddenly turns into the worst thing you have ever done in your life...the feeling of the waves even touching you gets a shiver down your spine..the life "outside" this ocean seems so beautiful now..so you are lost..you can't hear anything except for your own screaming and shouting..and yes you are drowning...you have almost seen death when a person finally comes to your rescue..you are safe..you are back to your life...but that drowning feeling somewhere still exists..days pass....months pass....you start forgetting about it...and one fine day you see the same beach again..you still remember all that had happened...but you promise yourself once again that you will not go to the deeper side and enter the ocean.its hard to resist right?
why do you think i wrote this?this ocean can be anything...ocean of thoughts...where in the back of your mind you know that thinking about the same thing again and again will lead you to nowhere but still you keep on thinking...and because you think about it so much that you tend to get depressed..upset...you feel lost...and when finally you want to come out of the same thought...you feel trapped ..you can't do anything...some are lucky enough to get out of it because of may be friends?family?oneself?God?..anything...but some...you might have heard of things like suicide?...yes people...suicide is the outcome of this ever growing feeling...which you want to kill within yourself...it is a result of all the tension...trauma...thoughts....you are trying to burry within yourself...that you finally give up...
.."i don't have anything to give you now...so i finally give up"...
this ocean can also be love....Love..yes you can permit yourself a smile...even i did....its okay!..let me tell you people if you fall in love thinking this is your "true love" you will soon realize it was just "another of your true loves" when you are finally out of it..if you want to be fake...if you want to hurt someone...the best way out is say 'i luv you"...and later "bunk them"..and yes you can smile again at my stupid but true thoughts.
okay now why am i comparing this ocean to love?love...what i have said just one line back..is my personal thought..but i am sure many of you or may be in todays world almost all of you think the same..or may be something like that...but just think what if the person you have this "secret crush" on proposed you?will you ever say "no"?come on ask yourself please..for my sake...close your eyes and imagine the person you like secretly or may be openly...proposes you...(i know this thought will atleast make you smile..its okay!...its but natural...sometimes its hard to control your smile and sometimes harder to control your tears)..you know that in the end this love will lead you to nowhere....it can't be forever?oviously it can't...forever is like so much..*phew*...so you know that if you say yes...you might just love that person even more...and later he/she might be the only beautiful thing in your life perhaps the only thing that would give you happiness..but you know if this person leaves you someday...you will be left with "nothing"...you will be "lost"...but you ignore these thoughts and say a "yes"...life suddenly becomes so beautiful..wow...the life "outside" this "love world" seems like so blank...so dull...it seems you have just started living the best days of your life...you are happy...more than happy..but yes you are careful that you dint get too much into this (life jacket)...but later you get so attracted that you finally decide to throw the life jacket away..and enjoy your love life to the fullest...and you still are the happiest...you wish time goes still...you think everything is perfect....but have’nt you heard before "its against the rules of God to see a person happy for more than sometime"..now this "sometime" can be hours....months...years...it depends..(and by the way this is my theory so how can you hear it before?)...anyways...so now this person...who once loved you...was always willing to talk to you..always missed you..wanted to hug you...and just be with you...suddenly does'nt even call you up..."ignores" your messages..rejects your calls....so is the love gone?or may be as i said it was all fake?you use to live in this world of illusion....you can't be sure...so now you finally want to get over this..."ALL the happiness that you had just lived some moments back suddenly turns into the worst thing you have ever done in your life"...see that's life...grand na?...so you can't get over this person now...you feel "lost"...suffocated...you feel that you are "drowning"...you sinking and there is no one who can help you out...but after all this do you stop loving that person?ask this question to yourself...i am sure you will get an answer...if your answer is "yes" my dear..here is a reality check....the answer is "no"...its not all that easy as it seems now...forgetting someone you considered everything...is this easy?it is the hardest thing on this earth...but you can't help it....and yes this is life...aint it grand?...somehow you come out of it...(i am not sure..but maybe you can)...but the thoughts kill you...you have made up your mind you wont even think about this person...but after every two minutes don't you check your cell phone for one message...?...whenever your phone rings don't you wish its her/him?..its okay!...natural as i say...this is life....and it has to be grand...the person is still in your thoughts but yes you finally have learnt how to smile...to live your life without this person...you live a normal life...may be with some emptiness...NOW...days pass...months pass..or may be even years....this person calls you...and says..."i still luv you"...gives a long list of problems as to why he was'nt able to call you up...and so on...will you say its okay....and get back to those huh "beautiful" days...or....hmmm...should i even give you another option?...you need to be strong(this strong is far more stronger than the image of the word “strong” that you have in mind) to say a "no".....i leave this question...unanswered....think about it...and do tell me the answer please...!!
that ocean can also be compared to the various materialistic things...to money..and to so many things more..
It is not essential that I have experienced the things mentioned above...but I have observed these things...it happens...and I am sure it does..this ocean is dangerous...very dangerous...i can just say “control your feelings”...don’t let them free..
So this “shit” is from my side...for you...learn from it if you want to..don’t even bother to think about it if you aint interested..call it “a piece of shit” if you feel like...or just give it a thought it might help...
People learn to learn from your mistakes..if someone pushes you ... you push them back...don’t just fall...give it a try if you want to but then later dare you cry...its tough ...its hard...but in the end its worth it...its okay! This is life...and it has to be grand!!!
A letter to God.
Dear God,
I thought of writing this letter to you because talking to you every day and getting no answers was a bit frustrating so i thought why not write a letter to you, I use to see it in movies that people talk to you and you reply, their wishes always came true, I mean their stories always had a happy ending but i sometimes sit and wonder will my story also have a happy ending like all others? Because the way it is going it's hard even to imagine a happy me. What have I done, why don't you ever talk to me? I always have trusted you and will always do. You will always be my bestest buddy but I sometimes feel that you don't even know who I am. Does this mean I just speak to no one every night?
I have learned to live life this ways, it's not that I don't feel like smiling or I don't want to be with friends but I am tired of pretending, I always smile when someone’s around but inside this hollowness kills me. It's consuming me every day. I guess I need you. I am glad I'll soon come close to you. The only reason why I am happy that I’ll be dead soon, otherwise I love my life, I always wanted to live it up, But I know destiny is the key word, it’s not a complaint letter, through this letter I just want to tell you how I feel at times. It’s hard to force a smile when everybody around you, gets tears in their eyes when they see you. I always loved making people smile but sometimes I wonder how life changes, you don’t even come to know it all happens so smoothly. It’s not a great feeling to lay down on this hospital bed and write you this letter, how I wish things would have never changed, my life was so beautiful!!
You know what? Sometimes I sit in that corner in this room and pray to you, I don’t really know whether you listen or not so thought I’ll mention it in here too. It pains..sometimes my head is in so much pain that I feel why don’t I die this very moment and end it all up..the pain exceeds to the extent of almost killing me. I feel so helpless, suddenly I feel the voices around me drown, I feel like a fish which has been deprived of water for some time. I can only see faint images of people panicking when I get that attack but in that moment I feel very close to you. I can feel you holding my hand. Thanks. I know it’s you who does that, I don’t say that the pain reduces after that but I feel someone’s there and it gives me the confidence to fight the pain.
Mom and Dad try to be happy in front of me but I see that helplessness in their eyes, I can feel it. Their hands shiver when they touch me. Seeing a daughter die is not an easy job I am sure. They also must be going through a tough time. That’s why I tend to pretend when I am with them, maybe they know I am faking but if I tell them how much it hurts I won’t be able to see that helplessness turn into complete despair. I love them after all. They have tried their best to save me but the doctors say doing any further treatment is a waste of time and money. I have always been a spendthrift but in this case I myself refused to take any further treatment. I somehow know I am going to die. My sister doesn’t really react much..but I know she understands what I am going through. She doesn’t even fight with me these days..I miss it..that day I requested her to fight with me..but I guess we both failed to do so. She has her life, she tries to visit me daily, but then I can’t expect her to come and talk to me after every minute, I wish she could. That day I asked her that you must be very happy that I am going to die you will get to wear all my jeans and shirts that I never allowed you to wear, my i-pod will be yours, the room will be yours, we both cried after this. I was just kidding but I guess at this point of time in my life no one expects me to crack jokes. It’s okay. I have been deprived of all the things I loved anyways.
Friends,hmmm...I guess they’ll all be fine. I know they will miss me. I guess I did hold some importance in their lives. My commentary during a movie, Mc. swirl and t-shirt requests, Photo sessions, My “talks”, Getting drenched together, laughs, smiles, chats. I guess I was important. I can add more stuff to this list at least for my satisfaction, that I did leave a mark.
They try to make me laugh with their ever ready PJ’s, they visit me almost every week, I don’t even expect them to come every day after all I have left school, they still have to go, do the home work, study for tests, bunk classes, drink water from the water cooler, bunk classes by sleeping in the infirmary, listen to the lectures, enjoy, they are going to live, I can’t expect them to forget their lives and come and sit near me and talk to me. I can’t expect them to do so but I wish they did. I sometimes feel a bit too lonely. Have never felt this way before, I always was surrounded with people .Always happy, always smiling..It’s hard to see myself this way. The other day all my friends (even the unexpected ones) had come to see me over here, everyone looked happy or at least they pretended to when suddenly I got this severe headache and fainted. I could see blurred images of the smiling faces lose their color and turn pale. I never saw them so serious. I felt bad, I ruined their mood. When I woke up no one was there except my close friends, don’t know why they were so silent, had never seen them like this before. I suddenly smiled and said...what’s up yaa? tears fell from their eyes as if they had been controlling them from quiet some time. I don’t know why I felt guilty that day.
My jaws ache when I smile. And I even hate looking at the mirror, those dark circles below my eyes make me look so ugly. They had to carry out another of those useless operations so they removed my hair, the growth has started again but I feel disgusted at times. People used to love my hair, even I did, but today life seems to play this pathetic game with me all the time. My eyes have started bulging out, they have started losing their shine. I miss all those compliments, sometimes I wish that someone passes just a fake compliment, maybe I smile. It’s not easy, not at all..I wish I could also look beautiful. I have started looking lean, I don’t like it. My face skin almost hangs now. I sometimes feel that if I get alright will I always remain like this? No, please don’t do that to me. But I am really helpless, I just can’t do anything. I mean absolutely nothing. I just lie down on this bed and wait for my destined end to come. I said “wait” and not “wish” just because I still don’t have a desire to die, I wish I could live it, live my life. I don’t want to cry while writing this letter because if a tear falls on this ink, it will spoil it and my hands are too weak to write it all over again. You know what? I even miss music. My doctor said that if I listen to music I will die even more early. I know he is right because it hurts pathetically when I listen to music. I can’t bear the pain but my love for music seems to fade away now. I still sometimes feel that fire inside to listen to music, I remember how my pain vanished when I listened to music earlier but what can I do if this same music causes pain now? It’s hard for me to imagine that the thing that gave me peace some time ago can become a reason for me dying soon. I finally gave it up completely that day when mom almost prayed to me to give it up. I smiled with tears in my eyes and said I will never listen to it again. I still sometimes call up my friend and say I wish you could update my i-pod still, she doesn’t reply. what can she say? Everyone is helpless.
There was a basketball tournament in school that day. Everyone took part. I know I am not that good at the game but still this time I felt like I could make my team win. I felt that this time my lay-up would be perfect. I don’t know why but I felt that I had the energy to play all the four quarters, I don’t know why but this time I felt like the game was mine. But it is okay, I dint play it. I require a wheel chair to move around this hospital I don’t know what will happen if I start playing.
Euro 2008 was on. I have a small television set in my room but too much strain causes headache so I have been advised not to watch it for more than half an hour so whenever I started watching the match I used to watch it properly till the first quarter but in the second quarter it became almost impossible to even open my eyes. I never came to know who won. But there were people who kept me informed.
When I used to play golf, I always said to myself, I will play this game even when I am 80 years old but look how destiny rules. It changed everything. From my dreams to my life. Everything. Nothing’s the same. Everything has changed.
I never asked myself questions like, why me? What wrong had I done? I was always good with everyone then why did death choose me? I never do. I accept everything happily. But it’s sometimes hard to believe that every thing’s going to end.
Sometimes I want to get back home and check my orkut scraps, check the facebook comments, look at my offliners, but just the thought is so futile. I live each day killing my desires, my wants, my wishes, my dreams, there was so much I wanted to do but I guess you didn’t want me to do that. You love me and that’s why you want me to be near you. I don’t blame you, I can never hate you, if you gave me this life you have the full right to take it away from me. I miss my orkut pals. There were so many people who I could talk to only via net. I am not sure if they remember me or not. But maybe someone might have scraped me. Most of them don’t even know I am about to die. I miss it. I want to change my profile picture. I want to change my display name. But how?
I don’t know what impact I have made on their lives but they made a deep impact on my life. I wish I could tell them that I miss them.
I even miss tandoori chicken and butter chicken. The doctor said you are not supposed to have all this or else the problem will increase. Mom gets home make food everyday but now I am forced to eat all the things I didn’t even look at a time. I wish I could go out and have some non-vegetarian food. But I guess I am a bit too hopeless when it comes to my desires. They seem unreal to me.
These things used to be my life once computer, music, dance, sports, school, outings, good food and look how I have been deprived of everything. I never desired this kind of an end. I thought I would die for my country but sometimes it’s not in your hands. The process of dying is so painful, I don’t really know what it’s going to be like when I finally die. I request, please don’t make it very painful. Please. Let me live the last hour in peace. Is it too much I am asking for? Tell me if it is so, I will take back my request. If it pains too much I’ll try to be happy by thinking that it’s for the last time, but this pain again and again. I can’t take it.
I miss the sunset, the sunrise, the moon, the stars, everything. I miss dancing with them. I miss talking to the moon, sometimes I do look outside this window but it aren’t much of a help, the view is never clear. I miss clicking pictures of dawn and dusk, wish I could do that. I had asked for a good camera. Thank you I dint get it, it would have been money wastage, nobody would have used it after me. I wish I could dance in the rain, listen to its sound. There are so many things I just want to do but can never do. I miss my terrace, I miss singing over there. I don’t even know about the latest songs. It’s hard to believe things have changed so drastically, what’s left in this life?
I even miss writing in my diary. I have it lying on my bedside over here but I don’t write much now. I can’t imagine things anymore, I am not able to play with my thoughts now and my hands pain a lot when I write too much. I have become too weak. But this letter was essential.
You might find it strange but these days I even feel like studying, I feel that this much knowledge is not sufficient to die with. I want to learn more, I want to go to school, I want to run on the field.
That psychology book was so thick I used to hate looking at it also but today I want to study it, I want to know what’s inside it. I want somebody to come and teach me history. That day I felt like writing hindi, I used to always hate it but that day I wanted to write it, I felt that desire to write it so what if it was for the last time? I miss everything so much. My life was actually a beautiful one.
I always thought I will do this later, I have so much time for it, I will talk to this person tomorrow, express my feelings some other time, get drenched when it rains the next time, read this novel when I am more free. There were times when my mood was off. I used to just sit in my room and fall in love with my solitude. That time I felt like doing nothing. Nothing amused me, nothing amazed me. I could be rude to my friends and family but I had forgotten that my life is pre-written, it has already been inked. Who knew I would never get a second chance? I had so many plans that day when I got my first attack but all plans were cancelled. I felt so bad that day that I couldn’t go out for a movie just because of a stupid headache but who knew that that was my last chance of going out? I still sometimes feel that someone will pinch me and I will get up from my sleep and this nightmare will be lost but no one seems to wake me up, this seems to be the reality.
Had planned so much for my life, will study law, will complete my guitar course, will master basketball, will do bunjee jumping, will learn how to drive, I had so many questions in me, always wanted to find the answers but never tried to, thought I had so much time but life had something else in store for me. It’s all going to end. There will be no me after some time.
I love you God. I always will, can’t you make some changes now? I want to live my life, I beg? I know it’s not possible. It’s okay! I can understand. If you ask me one last wish I would be able to say nothing because my desires at this time are endless, I could only ask for my life. I want to do so much, but can do nothing. I feel that I have wasted some precious time of my life which I could have utilized but this thought is so futile, so useless, so pointless. I can’t even get half a second of the life I have lived earlier. And see I finally have tears in my eyes, I won’t let them fall on his letter. I want you to read every word clearly. I hope you are sending me to heaven. I am sure hell is not my place but that’s your decision. I hope it’s good up there. I know it will not be like home but I hope it’s something close. I hope I get the same love, I got down below, somehow I feel I never valued it that much. I always wanted to break free, to run away, to stay alone, I was so wrong, so very wrong. I am sorry if I have done anything that I was not supposed to do. I’ll miss everyone and everything here on earth but the thing I’ll miss the most will be “my life.”
Thanks for everything buddy. I hope you receive this letter soon, at least before I reach you. Where should I post it? I will keep it under my pillow. Take it whenever you are free. Thanks.
Your friend,
Kopal. ( you’ll see me soon)
Think about this for a moment people. We human beings never tend to cherish the best gift of God. Why is it that we never are satisfied with our life? Why is it that we tend to hide our sorrows and our happiness? Why don’t we share it? Why is it that we don’t express what we feel, we always wait for the right time, the time is now. What if there is no tomorrow in store for you? Why is it that we love the person but we never show it, why is it that we never bother to look at the beautiful things around us? The sun, the moon, the stars, the trees, the rain? Why have we hidden the real us in a box? Why don’t we let out our feelings? Why don’t we say exactly what we want to/ Why do we leave everything on tomorrow? Why are we so sure that there is a tomorrow for us? Why do we waste our time fighting over useless things? Why do we smoke? Why do we drink? when we know it’s killing us...you might say we smoke because that’s how we think our lives become beautiful but think about this for a moment..think...people think....the thought of dying might amuse you at the moment...but when you hit it...it’s only then that you realize how beautiful your life was...it’s then that you wish you never had smoked...maybe you could have lived some more years...some more days...few more minutes...why is it that we never realize the value of a thing in our life till it finally goes away from us...or is in the process of going away.
People value what you have...don’t cry over what you don’t have...live it up people...you live once...so be happy that you are still living rather than cursing your life and God for the imperfections in your life.
“Happiness does not mean everything’s perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
Be happy people. Take care and live it up!!!
Cheers.
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